Sunday, August 14, 2011

Please proofread my essay

Please proofread my essay!?
Hii..It's due tomorrow and I need it to be corrected...it's an essay contest...here it is: Grandparents are like an old shady tree tenderly showing their cool shade to the grandchildren. They are all love and warmth for grandkids, which they can never see hurt or crying. Grandparents are the happiest people on earth when their grandchildren brings laurel or excel in life. Although I’ve never known my grandparents before there are still many reasons why I love them. All of my four grandparents passed away because of illness and old age. Ever since my first day on earth till the day my grandparents perished, I’ve never known what and who my grandparents are. Growing up as a child without grandparents to help offer a hand has been really hard for me. There are no one to joke around and no one there to teach me the rank of our ancestry. Each and every day had I live my life so happy that I never knew my grandparents exist. Because of the faraway distance between my family and my grandparents and because my parents never mention anything about them, every one of my siblings including me never knew that we have grandparents. My grandparents lived in the small villages hidden in the jungles of Laos. Served as military commanders with the Central Intelligence Agency, both of my maternal and paternal grandparents helped the Hmong and American people during the Vietnam War from 1967-1975. I feel grateful for them for being such heroes that jeopardized their lives to save their country. They had also changed and saved the lives of many people. Because of the help they provided to their people and families had my family and I live till today. I am thankful for the extraordinary help they gave to all of us. The day when my paternal grandmother passed away from a serious disease on June 2, 2005 was the day when I finally found out that I actually have grandparents. Even though I’ve never show them the tender love I had have for them, I knew in heart that I do love them. My parents told us that, “Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children.” I understood the affection they gave to all of us and I know that I need to love my grandparents. If it weren’t my grandparents, will I still be living today? It is a very hard passion to love someone whom I never met before but I could feel the strong love between my grandparents and me. As a result, I adored my grandparents very much. Therefore my grandparents are one of the most important aspects of my life. They have patience and time to spend with you and really listen to what their grandchildren have to say; and as for me, without my grandparents around; I could feel their spirits whispering in my ears, lecturing and encouraging me to do my best. I love and respect my grandparents for they were the ones who gave my family our lives. Although they aren’t here by my side, I knew in my heart I really love them. Without them, I don’t know where I could end up with. I am happy to born as their granddaughter and be part of their family.
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1 :
"Each and every day had I live my life so happy that I never knew my grandparents exist." I seriously have NO idea what you were trying to say in that sentence. Fix it. "Without them, I don’t know where I could end up with." That makes no sense either. Fix it. There's something disturbing about this essay. You say that you've never known your grandparents, but yet they used to shower you with affection? Do you mean when you were a baby, when you probably couldn't remember them? It would've been better if you could've explained that. It's a little repetitive. I tried not to change too many words -- I only changed a few for grammar's sake. Corrected version: Grandparents are like an old shady tree, tenderly showing their cool shade to the grandchildren. They are all love and warmth for grandkids, which they can never see hurt or crying. Grandparents are the happiest people on earth when their grandchildren brings laurel or excel in life. Although I’ve never known my grandparents before, there are still many reasons why I love them. All of my four grandparents passed away because of illness and old age. Ever since my first day on earth 'til the day my grandparents perished, I’ve never known what and who my grandparents were. Growing up as a child without grandparents to offer a hand has been really hard for me. There is no one to joke around with and no one there to teach me the rank of our ancestry. Each and every day had I live my life so happy that I never knew my grandparents exist. Because of the far away distance between my family and my grandparents, and because my parents never mention anything about them, every one of my siblings, including myself, never knew that we had grandparents. My grandparents lived in the small villages hidden in the jungles of Laos and served as military commanders with the Central Intelligence Agency. Both of my maternal and paternal grandparents helped the Hmong and American people during the Vietnam War from 1967-1975. I am grateful for them for being such heroes that jeopardized their lives to save their country. They had also changed and saved the lives of many people. Because of the help they provided to their people and families, my family and I are able to live 'til today. I am thankful for the extraordinary help they gave to all of us. The day when my paternal grandmother passed away from a serious disease on June 2, 2005 was the day when I finally found out that I actually had grandparents. Even though I’ve never show them the tender love I've had for them, I knew in heart that I do love them. My parents told us that, “Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children.” I understood the affection they gave to all of us and I know that I need to love my grandparents. If it weren’t my grandparents, will I still be living today? It is a very hard passion to love someone whom I've never met before but I could feel the strong love between my grandparents and me. As a result, I adored my grandparents very much. Therefore, my grandparents are one of the most important aspects of my life. They have patience and time to spend with you and really listen to what their grandchildren have to say. And as for me, without my grandparents around, I could feel their spirits whispering in my ears, lecturing and encouraging me to do my best. I love and respect my grandparents for they were the ones who gave my family our lives. Although they aren’t here by my side, I knew in my heart that I really do love them. Without them, I don’t know where I could end up with. I am happy to have been born as their grand-daughter and be part of their family.







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