Gwen, the magic user and under cover protector of lakeside county, a village neighboring Typheen, is taking a stroll, trying to relax from the hard weeks of labor at the inn and the paper work she has to do after her shift for her guard work. For esurient reasons she checks behind her back and checks all of her belongs on her at the moment. “Grandfather’s sapphire hilted swordâ€, Gwen’s most prized possession because of the stories she heard when she was a kid about the magic it possessed and the things her grandfather did with the sword, but Gwen never could accesses the so called power that it beheld. “Check. Buckler. Checkâ€. Giving up the effort in trying to stay relaxed and not be so up tight. “Ahhhhh….agoo gooâ€! “What’s thatâ€, Gwen saying under breath, quickening her pace. The noise comes again but in louder and in a different order. Now at a steady jog, she pulls out her grandfather’s sword and has it at ready, coming again but even louder than the last two. “corente laos morate froyi morhanoâ€. This simple spell brings up a mental map showing anything that is living, breathing, or giving off heat. She first sees two squirrels in a tree. Then a lizard on the path she is walking on. Then she spots a baby in the grass. “But what in the name of Criffy is a baby doing unattended in a forest at sunsetâ€, Gwen said to her self in wonder. She went to the baby and says a simple spell that incinerates anything around the object without harming it. Coming up to the baby she picks it up. Almost dropping the baby in aw, she sees that the baby is wrapped in monk cloth with royal monk marking on the cloth. “but what in the name in Dwana is a monk baby doing down hear in Typheen, don’t they live Northington or somewhere up thereâ€. Gwen looks around seeing if there is any parent around to claim the baby.
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1 :
your sentences are far too long. you're trying to cram too much information into them. - if its going to be a longer story they're facts you reveal as you go on. if its just a paragraph for english class you don't need to provide as much info. it ruins it by making it too busy. your writing improves as you go on; but i really hope that isn't a opening paragraph - you've already lost your reader if so.
2 :
Every time someone talks, you need to make a new paragraph. Also, you have many grammar and some spelling mistakes. “Ahhhhh….agoo gooâ€! “What’s thatâ€, Gwen saying under breath, quickening her pace. The noise comes again but in louder and in a different order. Now at a steady jog, she pulls out her grandfather’s sword and has it at ready, coming again but even louder than the last two. “corente laos morate froyi morhanoâ€. This simple spell brings up a mental map showing anything that is living, breathing, or giving off heat. should be “Ah . . . ago go!" Gwen can't figure out what the noise was and moves forward, quickening her pace. The noise comes again but louder and in a different order. Now at a steady jog, she pulls out her grandfather’s sword and has it at ready. (This part is so confusing. You said it was something what your character was hearing, but then it turns out to be a spell that she said) “Corente laos morate froyi morhano." This simple spell brings up a mental map showing anything that is living, breathing, or giving off heat. Okay, sorry, but I don't like it. It doesn't have good grammar, and everything happens way too quickly. It's confusing and I haven't got any idea what the heck is going on But don't give up. When I began writing a few years ago, my stuff was barely any better than this. Just keep practicing, and you'll become a good writer yet!
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